The Quote Garden

 I dig old books.

 Est. 1998

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Humorous Quotations

All rights reserved — even the right to dramatise. ~Mary Wilson Little, Reveries of a Paragrapher, 1897

It takes so little to make a stranger's day, and even less to totally ruin it. ~Demetri Martin

The "duh" is silent. ~Rachel Maddow, 2017 July 17th, The Rachel Maddow Show

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H. L. Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916

Someone has said: "A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking." ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962), quoted from a physiology lecture by his University of Cincinnati student Howard D. Fabing in Fischerisms, 1930

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault,

Occasionally it seems as though the only leisure class in America is composed exclusively of telephone operators. ~"Poor Richard Junior's Philosophy," The Saturday Evening Post, 1904, George Horace Lorimer, editor

First rule of Nietzsche Club: No Kants. ~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2014 January 16th tweet

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

Ancient oceanic proverb:  The enemy of my anemone is my frenanemone. ~Internet meme, 2015

Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author unknown

You can't have everything — where would you put it? ~Steven Wright, A Steven Wright Special, 1985,

There is a whole family of Misses whose company better be avoided. Miss Fortune is ever sticking her nose in where it is not wanted. Miss Demeanor is ugly and haughty yet is constantly getting courted. Of Miss Ann Thropy we have a perfect abhorrence. Always steer clear of Miss Hap. Miss Judge, with a mind warped by the strongest prejudices, this lady exalts herself to pronounce sentence upon people's words and actions. She is closely related to Miss Construe and Miss Conception, to whom she is warmly attached, and greatly influenced by their counsel. Harm is in Miss Chief's nature, her presence invariably followed by evil consequences. Miss Be Havior is a daughter of the House of Incivility. Miss Nomer is erratic, by slips of memory and tongue; her course of action is more ludicrous than weighty. Miss Trust is afraid of her own shadow. Miss Print is a devotee of literary efforts. Whether it be that her manuscript is illegible, or the typo at fault, her articles never appear well. Miss Quote is of poetic temperament, emulates rhapsody, and is fond of reciting classics and poems of high order, but her recitations are incorrect. Miss Represent is a great talker and a born gossip. Not always does she mean to do harm, but she gives color to trifling words and actions that eventually grow into vast magnitude. Be sure to get a true wife and not a Miss Tress.  [This is compiled from seven newspapers and magazines spanning 1818 through 1885, with some wordings slightly altered. The only credited author is the latest, Angeline E. Alexander, "A Sisterhood of Spinsters," 1885.] —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

DILEMMA  Comes from dill, a pickle, and Emma, a person. A person in a pickle. ~Charles Wayland Towne, The Altogether New Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz, 1914

Here's to the floor,
Our best friend of all,
Who sticks to us close
In the time of our fall.
When benches are fickle
And tables betray
And rugs are revolving,
He meets us half-way.
~Oliver Herford, "The Floor," Happy Days, illustrated by John Cecil Clay, 1917

TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip. ~Noah Lott (George V. Hobart), The Silly Syclopedia, 1905

My children suspect I've long slipped over the border from Quaint and now dwell in the capital city of Eccentricity. ~Ethel Pochocki (1925–2010), “Still Acceptably Quaint, But Flirting With ‘Odd,’” 1996

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault,

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~David J. Beard (1947–2016), tweet, 2008 September 18th

Here's to the man who invented stairs
      And taught our feet to soar!
      He was the first who ever burst
      Into a second floor.
The world would be downstairs to-day
      Had he not found the key;
      So let his name go down to fame,
      Whatever it may be.
~Oliver Herford, "Stairs: A Toast," Happy Days, illustrated by John Cecil Clay, 1917

Satire.— Attacking the vices and follies of others instead of reforming our own. ~"Specimens of a Patent Pocket Dictionary, For the use of those who wish to understand the meaning of things as well as words," The New Monthly Magazine and Literary Journal, 1824‑5

Four-word horror stories:
Team building away day
Rail Replacement Bus Service
Tell us about yourself
We're out of milk
Someone's at the door
~Rob Temple, @SoVeryBritish, tweet, 2016,

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do." ~Robert Brault,

All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. ~Author unknown

Do you suppose it's true, that St. Patrick was a parselmouth, and his muggle friends never knew? ~David J. Beard (1947–2016), @Raqhun, tweet, 2012

Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt. ~"Phil's-osophy" by Phil Dunphy (Christopher Lloyd, Steven Levitan, and Dan O'Shannon, Modern Family, "Schooled," original airdate 2012 Oct 10)

"Slight momentum — what's that?" Pee-wee shouted. "It's Latin for going slow," I told him... ~Percy Keese Fitzhugh, Roy Blakeley: Lost, Strayed or Stolen, 1921

It's not that I'm a Type‑B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy. ~Robert Brault,

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault,

Einstein said, "God does not play dice with the world." Now if the dice would only stop playing God. ~Robert Brault,

An old fellow of the ultra inquisitive order asked a little girl on board the train, who was sitting by her mother, as to her name, destination, &c. After learning that she was going to the City, he asked, "What motive is taking you thither, my dear?" "I believe they call it the locomotive, sir," was the reply. ~The New Joe Miller's Jest Book, Containing a Selection of the Most Laughter-Provoking Witticisms, Comicalities, Yankee Drolleries, Puns, Bon Mots, Repartees, &c., &c., &c., Ever Published, 1865

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault,

Aaron Burr... the only U.S. vice president ever to kill a man while in office (though Dick Cheney gave it his best shot)... ~Patrick J. Kiger, "Aaron Burr: Yes, He Killed Hamilton, But What Else Did He Do?,", 2020

UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to. ~Noah Lott (George V. Hobart), The Silly Syclopedia, 1905

"Well—I'll—be—jiggered!" Hunt Manners shouted...
I said, "Oh, don't be jiggered so early in the morning..."
~Percy Keese Fitzhugh, Roy Blakeley: Lost, Strayed or Stolen, 1921

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~Mike Leigh

You are going to be fine — you come from a long line of lunatics. ~Internet meme

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault,

There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated. ~Robert Brault,

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

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published 1998 Mar 18
revised Feb–Mar 2021
last saved 2022 Aug 27