The Quote Garden ™
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Quotations about Sex
Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~Marlene Dietrich
And there's sparkly-fizz in my nethers whenever she is around. ~Galavant, "Love and Death," 2016, written by Robin Shorr, Jeremy Hall, & Dan Fogelman [S2, E7, "Love Makes the World Brand New," Gareth] ♫
The act of coitus and the members employed therein are of such ugliness that were it not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the lovers, for the pent-up impulse and the frenetic state of mind, nature would lose the human species. ~Leonardo da Vinci
It is better to copulate than never. ~Robert A. Heinlein (1907–1988)
It is not economical to go to bed early to save candles if the result is twins. ~Chinese proverb
There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be. ~Norman Mailer, 1992
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. ~John Waters
Familiarity breeds contempt — and children. ~Mark Twain
She could feel the echo of lovemaking in her body in the same way she could feel the rock and shift of waves after a day of swimming, long after she left the water. ~Abby Geni, The Wildlands, 2018
Out upon it, I have loved
Three whole days together;
And am like to love three more,
If it prove fair Weather.
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~Woody Allen
A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction. ~J. G. Ballard, "News from the Sun," 1982
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. ~Author unknown
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~Author unknown
Flies spread disease — keep yours zipped. ~Author unknown
A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~Author unknown
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Author unknown
In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw. ~J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1951
There is no such thing as love! — not in this world! There is animal attraction, — the magnetism of the male for the female, the female for the male, — the magnetism that pulls the opposite sexes together in order to keep this planet supplied with an ever new crop of fools, — but love! No! There is no such thing! ~Marie Corelli (Mary Mills Mackay), The Secret Power, 1921
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin — it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. ~Ogden Nash and S. J. Perelman, One Touch of Venus, 1943
Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled... ~Harlan Ellison, 1968
Money can't buy you love? Oh yes it can. And as I say, love is just a system for getting someone to call you Darling after sex. ~Julian Barnes, Talking It Over, 1991
Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1963
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and to beget, — to get the means of sustenance (and to-day a little more) and to beget his kind. Satisfy these, and he looks neither before nor after, but goeth forth to his work and to his labor until the evening, and returning, sleeps in Elysium without a thought of whence or whither. ~William Osler, "The Laodiceans," Science and Immortality, 1904
My sexual preference is often. ~Author unknown
Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
~Woody Allen, Love and Death, 1975
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round. ~David Lodge, The British Museum Is Falling Down, 1965
concave or -vex,
so whatever you dream
will be something with sex.
~Piet Hein, "Dream Interpretation"
If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~Louise Sammons [Would you believe where I got this quote from?! It was in a psychology textbook my freshman year of college, 1991. Long since sold back, though. So I've yet to verify the original source, although it's possible that was it. Unfortunately, I didn't take note at the time. —tg]
Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head. ~Author unknown, advice to teenage boys, as quoted in Jon Winokur, Friendly Advice
I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~Author unknown
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~Author unknown
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. ~Judith Martin, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
Amœbas at the start
Were not complex;
They tore themselves apart,
And started Sex.
And Sex has thrilled the earth
From then to this,
Producing grief and mirth
And pain and bliss.
Through Sex the seedling wakes
To cleave the ground;
'Tis really Sex that makes
The world go round.
It sublimates the mind
With noble themes,
Or sends it unrefined,
'Tis Sex that rules the lives
Of clowns and kings;
It gives us books and wives
And other things—
Ambition, love and strife
And all the ills
And ecstacies of life,
And Freuds and Brills.
~Arthur Guiterman, "Sex," 1921
Sex.... It's just like cuddling — only damper. ~Coupling, "Unconditional Sex," original airdate 7 October 2002, written by Steven Moffat, spoken by the character Jeff
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. ~Marvin Dunnette
My father told me all about the birds and bees. The liar — I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. ~Bob Hope
Don't do it behind the garden gate.
Love is blind but the neighbors ain't!
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. ~Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman, Annie Hall, 1977
My reaction to porn movies is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live... One night I sat down with some friends in an apartment to watch some other porn films and we got so bored with running them forward that we decided to run them backward... ~Eric Jong, interview with Gretchen McNeese, Playboy, 1975
...the sexual organs show more character than the actors' faces... There are phalluses in porno whose distended veins speak of the integrity of the hardworking heart, but there is so little specific content in the faces! Hard core lulls after it excites, and finally it puts the brain to sleep. ~Norman Mailer, c. 1973
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. ~Gloria Leonard
The right sort of sex stimulus is invaluable to human daily life. Without it the world grows grey. I would give everybody the gay Renaissance stories to read, they would help to shake off a lot of grey self-importance, which is our modern civilized disease. ~D. H. Lawrence, "Pornography and Obscenity," 1929
Sex Education – A controversial course that parents argue about while their kids are out doing the lab work. ~Richard E. Turner (1937–2011), The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. "The Mudge," from "The Curmudgeon's Short Dictionary of Modern Phrases," c. 2009, sites.google.com/site/grammarmudge
Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about. ~Beverly Mickins, unverified
You know you've broached the subject too early when your kids want to color the pictures in the sex manual. ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984
Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1963
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. ~Billy Joel, unverified
Lust will curdle like milk if you don't keep using it up. ~@AnonymousVoyeur, tweet, 2010
It was also Jacque who told me that children didn't come out of their mother's tummies. As she put it, "Where the ingredients go in is where the finished product comes out!" ~Anne M. Frank, letter, 1944
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne, The Third — and Possibly the Best — 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1986
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. ~Groucho Marx
The tragedy is, when you've got sex in your head, instead of down where it belongs, and when you have to go on copulating with your ears and your nose. ~D. H. Lawrence
All of them are devoted to promoting the absurd and immoral idea that the sexual instinct is somehow degrading and against God — that whenever a young man feels it welling within him it is time for him to send for a physician and perhaps even for a policeman... For life without sex might be safer, but it would be unbearably dull. There would be very little hazard in it and even less joy. It is the sex instinct that makes women seem beautiful, which they are only once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill. ~H. L. Mencken
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. ~Sean Morey
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. ~Jayne Mansfield, as quoted in New Woman, 1986
Our soules, (which to advance their state,
Were gone out,) hung 'twixt her, and mee....
When love, with one another so
Interinanimates two soules....
Loves mysteries in soules doe grow,
But yet the body is his booke....
~John Donne, "The Extasie"
But chastity means passion, chastity means neurasthenia. And passion and neurasthenia mean instability. And instability means the end of civilization. You can't have a lasting civilization without plenty of pleasant vices. ~Aldous Huxley, Brave New World, 1932
Chastity — the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions, he added parenthetically, out of Remy de Gourmont. ~Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936 [see quote below —tg]
Of all sexual aberrations perhaps the most curious is chastity. Not that it is anti-natural, nothing is anti-natural... Bees, ants, termites, present examples of perfect chastity, but of chastity that is utilized, social chastity... In humans it is a state, often only apparent or transitory, obtained voluntarily or demanded by necessity, a precarious condition, so difficult to maintain that people have heaped up about it all sorts of moral and religious walls, and even real walls made of stones and mortar. ~Remy de Gourmont, "The Question of Aberrations," The Natural Philosophy of Love, 1900, translated by Ezra Pound, 1922
After satisfaction, desire reposes in a cool and lucid sleep. ~Aldous Huxley
Against diseases here the strongest fence
Is the defensive vertue, abstinence.
~Robert Herrick, "Abstinence"
I mean, herpes are one thing, but zombie herpes?! ~Zombie Strippers!, 2008, written by Jay Lee [I so hope my mother never reads this, but yes, I admit to seeing this movie. —tg]
Now AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder. ~Susan Sontag, AIDS and Its Metaphors, 1989
Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it — the same night, as a matter of fact. ~J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1951
There may be some things better than sex, and some things may be worse. But there is nothing exactly like it. ~W. C. Fields
No other licentious practice is so pernicious in its effects, both moral and physical, as that of solitary onanism. "In my opinion," says Reveille-Parise, "neither pestilence, nor war, nor variola, nor a host of similar ills, has results more disastrous for humanity. It is the destructive element of civilized societies..."
Those who indulge in this vile habit often suffer untold agonies before they will confess the cause of all their troubles. In their calmer moments they are overwhelmed with a sense of degradation at the infamy of their crime.
"I have within me two desires," said a young man endowed with the finest qualities of mind, but who ruined himself by yielding to the importunities of passion, "one of which resists and the other which leads me on. The latter, in order to seduce me, makes use of the most adroit subterfuge, and always says to me, 'This will be the last time.'" The unfortunate youth died of pulmonary disease. ~Dio Lewis, M.D., "The Ruinous Effects of Solitary Vice," Chastity; or, Our Secret Sins, 1874
Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century, it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. ~Thomas Szasz, "Sex," The Second Sin, 1973
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else. ~Richard Lewis
Lap dancing's the ultimate nightmare of man — it's porn that can see you. ~Coupling, "Split," original airdate 23 September 2002, written by Steven Moffat, spoken by the character Steve
No other source contributes so much to sexual immorality as obscene literature. The mass of the stories published in the great weeklies and the cheap novels are mischievous. When the devil determines to take charge of a young soul, he often employs a very ingenious method. He slyly hands a little novel filled with "voluptuous forms," "reclining on bosoms," "languishing eyes," etc. I will give you a sample passage:
"Madly, wildly bent on possessing the lovely Helene, never for an instant does his glance wander from her face and form. With all the magnetism of fond affection firing his eyes, he stands waiting, gazing, and insisting — not in vain. In an ecstacy of abandon, she rushes into his arms. He struggles to express in song his mad passion, and with her arms wound round about his neck, she listens, every action and look betokening the fervid, burning love that beats within her bosom, that deepens and darkens within her eyes, and lights his face like a fierce flame. Locked in each other's arms, the lovely pair, intent on each other, forget everything on earth below and in the heavens above," and so on for two hundred pages.
Can you imagine a man born of woman, nursed and trained by maternal love, returning it all by devoting himself to the distribution of such filthy, deadly poison? Publishing houses, the managers of which contrive to keep out of jail, send out tons of such stuff every month. I take the liberty to suggest a change in their business. Let them open a gambling-hall, or a house of prostitution. The moral level would be above their present trade, and the injury done the public would be as nothing in comparison. ~Dio Lewis, M.D., "Obscene Literature," Chastity; or, Our Secret Sins, 1874 [a little altered —tg]
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. ~Author unknown
A million million spermatozoa,
All of them alive:
Out of their cataclysm but one poor Noah
Dare hope to survive.
And among that billion minus one
Might have chanced to be
Shakespeare, another Newton, a new Donne;
But the One was Me.
The attempt to prove that two can live as cheaply as one often results in the necessity to provide for three. ~"Poor Richard Junior's Philosophy," The Saturday Evening Post, 1906, George Horace Lorimer, editor
I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. ~Gore Vidal
Here's a fun word… mollycoddle. Mollycoddle. Sounds like a Victorian sex act to me. ~@AnonymousVoyeur, tweet, 2010
The present subject may seem to trench on the prurient, which in Medicine does not exist, since "science, like fire, purifies everything," and what Macaulay calls the "mightiest of human instincts," is too intimately related to the physical basis of human weal and woe for any physician prudishly to ignore any of its phases. ~Jas G. Kiernan, M.D., "Psychological Aspects of the Sexual Appetite," read before the Chicago Academy of Medicine, 1891 [This lecture contains several case studies of various sexual fetishes, showing us without doubt that a fetish is nothing new under the sun! A few are quite disturbing, and would seem to have been great inspiration for Criminal Minds plots. —tg]
...slightly demented by the breeding lust. ~R. D. Lawrence (1921–2003), The North Runner, 1979
The intellectual element in the human sexual act is ignored by the average moralists, who predicate their conclusions on the purely physical factor. These "moral ideas" have led to attempts to abolish, not control the sexual appetite, and have resulted in sexo-religious mutilations, &c. ~Jas G. Kiernan, M.D., "Psychological Aspects of the Sexual Appetite," read before the Chicago Academy of Medicine, 1891
One brings none of one's baggage to a one-night stand and that makes it possible to have, once in a while, extraordinary emotions. ~Norman Mailer, "Film," The Spooky Art: Thoughts on Writing, 2003
I just read that men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peak right around the same time they're discovering they have a favorite chair. ~Rita Rudner
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. ~W. Somerset Maugham, The Bread-Winner: A Comedy in One Act, 1930
Rhaphanismus. Term for a punishment of adulterers used by the ancient Romans, which consisted in thrusting a radish up the rectum. ~The New Sydenham Society's Lexicon of Medicine and the Allied Sciences (Based on Mayne's Lexicon), 1893 [Had Hester Prynne been given this punishment instead of her 'A', not sure The Scarlet Letter would've ever been written. Or it would've been a totally different book. —tg]
Rhaphanismus. Term for a punishment of adulterers by the ancient Romans, consisting in thrusting a radish up the fundament; raphanism. ~R. G. Mayne, M.D., An Expository Lexicon of the Terms, Ancient and Modern, in Medical and General Science, 1860 [Guaranteed 'fundament' has just become part of my regular vocabulary. —tg]
Up until that point in my life, I'd found most women quite boring — a perfumed and pillowy means to a physiological end. ~Elementary, "M.," 2013, written by Rob Doherty [S1, E12, Sherlock Holmes to Joan Watson]
"Haven't you been in love since you came to Paris?"
"I haven't got time for that sort of nonsense. Life isn't long enough for love and art."
"...I imagine that for months the matter never comes into your head, and you're able to persuade yourself that you've finished with it for good and all. You rejoice in your freedom, and you feel that at last you can call your soul your own. You seem to walk with your head among the stars. And then, all of a sudden you can't stand it any more, and you notice that all the time your feet have been walking in the mud. And you want to roll yourself in it. And you find some woman, coarse and low and vulgar, some beastly creature in whom all the horror of sex is blatant, and you fall upon her like a wild animal. You drink till you're blind with rage."[...]
"I'll tell you what must seem strange, that when it's over you feel so extraordinarily pure. You feel like a disembodied spirit, immaterial; and you seem to be able to touch beauty as though it were a palpable thing; and you feel an intimate communion with the breeze, and with the trees breaking into leaf, and with the iridescence of the river. You feel like God. Can you explain that to me?"
...There was on his face a strange look, and I thought that so might a man look when he had died under the torture. He was silent. I know that our conversation was ended. ~W. Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence, 1919
If it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it. ~Friends, "The One with the Giant Poking Device," 1996, written by Adam Chase [S3, E8, Rachel, about people bumping their heads]
Sex contains all,
Bodies, souls, meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations,
Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the seminal milk,
All hopes, benefactions, bestowals,
All the passions, loves, beauties, delights of the earth,
All the governments, judges, gods, follow'd persons of the earth,
These are contain'd in sex, as parts of itself and justifications of itself.
~Walt Whitman, "Poem of Procreation," Leaves of Grass [blend of 1856 and 1882 editions —tg]
The orgasm in a happy coitus is the best soporific in the world... ~Marie Carmichael Stopes, Change of Life in Men and Women, 1936
It's just a honeymoon... It's like a vacation with extra sex. ~Lucifer, "Goodbye, Lucifer," 2021, written by Chris Rafferty [S6, E9, Maze]
When young people are just married, the principal attraction is the sexual contact. With little opportunity to know each other's moral qualities, they have, at first, scarcely any bond of union but the animal; and with our vicious system of spending eight or ten hours every night in each other's arms in a warm bed, they contrive to coax out such a constant and exhaustive drain that, at the end of two weeks, what seemed at first the most exquisite of all earthly delights is turned to loathing. Were the marriage ceremony preceded by such a fortnight's intimacy, unknown to any one but the two parties, and then they were entirely at liberty to marry or not, not more than one couple in ten would go to the altar...
And a very large part of this wretched and perilous excess is the natural result of our system of sleeping in the same bed. It is the most ingenious of all possible devices to stimulate and inflame the carnal passion. No bed is large enough for two persons... contrive a visit for your wife of two or three months at a distance from you, and then... change your large bed for two small ones, and let them be in adjoining rooms, so that you can converse, but not see each other while undressing or bathing and dressing. The mutual love and tenderness between ninety-nine in every hundred young married couples would be greatly enhanced by this arrangement. ~Dio Lewis, M.D., "Marital Excesses," Chastity; or, Our Secret Sins, 1874
"How often may I indulge myself?" is a question the physician who gives attention to sexual troubles hears every day. It is a point most difficult to settle by any general rule. To a twenty-five-year-old newlywed farmer with an iron constitution and no nerves, a tri-daily indulgence may be tolerable, while a fifty-year-old editor with a delicate constitution, dyspepsia, and nerves may not be able to handle more than a tri-monthly indulgence...
You may say that every man should exercise common sense and not run to the doctor about all his private habits like a crying child who whines, Ma, may I do this? and Ma, may I do that? You may believe that men ought to be men and not babies, that they must think for themselves, and so on. But I am a doctor, and I know that in nothing else do men need guidance more than in their sexual relations. Nine out of ten have no guide but animal impulse. They sleep with their wives every night, and they go on draining their very lives away. ~Dio Lewis, M.D., "Marital Excesses," Chastity; or, Our Secret Sins, 1874 [a little altered —tg]
A relationship is a loving bond between two people, and a threesome can take the edge off that. ~Coupling, "Jane and the Truth Snake," original airdate 1 October 2001, written by Steven Moffat, spoken by the character Patrick
Cundum. — An obsolete appliance worn in the act of coition, to prevent infection. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s
Crinkum-Crankum. — The female pudendum. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s
Cunnilingist. — A man (or woman) addicted to the practice of tonguing the female pudendum. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s
Cunny-haunted. — Lecherous. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s
Slang for the male pudendum: cream-stick, cunny-burrow ferret, Dr. Johnson, Adam's arsenal, blueskin, bum-tickler, dearest member, eye-opener, fiddle-bow, It, o-for-shame, beard-splitter, hanging johnny, bald-headed hermit, jack-in-the-box, Master John Goodfellow, jolly-member, julius cæsar, merrymaker, middle-leg, nimrod, peace-maker, pointer, private property, udder, rump-splitter, Saint Peter, sceptre, skyscraper, unruly-member, solicitor-general, staff of life, sugar-stick, down-leg, Bluebeard, love-dart, master of ceremonies, thing, tickle-gizzard, trifle, luggage, pounders (testes), trouble-giblets. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s
Slang for the female pudendum: centre of bliss, ace of spades, alcove, altar of Hymen, aphrodisaical tennis court, arbour, beauty-spot, bed-fellow, best-worst part, blind eye, Bluebeard's closet, bull's eye, button-hole, cabbage-patch, Cape of Good Hope, cellar-door, central office, centre of attraction, certificate of birth, coffee shop, commodity, confessional, conundrum, cookie, corner-cupboard, cornucopia, County-Down, Cupid's cave, pincushion, daisy, Downshire, downstairs, duck pond, eel-skinner, End of the Sentimental Journey, Et-cetera, eye that weeps most when best pleased, firework, flowerpot, fore-room, fortress, fountain of love, front-garden, front-parlor, Fumbler's-Hall, funniment, Gate of Life, gymnasium, Hairyfordshire, harbour of hope, heaven, hell, home-sweet-home, house under the hill, It, jam-pot, jewel, Kitty, knick-knack, lady-flower, lamp of love, Love's harbour, Lowlands, main avenue, Marble Arch, masterpiece, merkin, Middle Kingdom, Midlands, mine of pleasure, mother of all saints, Mount Pleasant, name-it-not, nature's tufted treasure, nether-eye, nether-lips, niche, nick-in-the-notch, non-such, ornament, parenthesis, plum-tree, premises, pulpit, rose, secret parts, solution of continuity, South Pole, spinning-jenny, split-apricot, standing room for one, star over the garter, sugar-basin, teazle, temple of Venus, that, Thatched House, tickler, tirly-whirly, tool-chest, toy-shop, treasury of love, under-belongings, under-dimple, undeniable, upright wink, what-do-you-call-it, you-know-what, yum-yum. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s
sex is interesting but not totally important. I mean, it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. a man can go 70 years without a piece of [a*$] but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~Charles Bukowski, Notes of a Dirty Old Man
Nothing risqué, nothing gained. ~Alexander Woollcott
Last saved 2022 Jul 29 Fri 22:53 PDT